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Offline Gary

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Thank God we've still got a Navy
« on: October 30, 2009, 01:40:18 PM »
Something to lighten the end of the month, this one’s been doing the rounds, forgive me if you have already seen it. …

 

 

BRAINS OF BRITAIN


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
 
Jamie Theakston:
 Where do you think Cambridge University is?
 
Contestant:
 Geography isn't my strong point.
 
Jamie Theakston:
 There's a clue in the title.
 
Contestant:
 Leicester
 

 


BBC NORFOLK
 
Stewart White:
 Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
 
Contestant:
 I don't know.
 
Stewart White:
 I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
 
Contestant:
 Arm
 
Stewart White:
 Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
 
Contestant:
 Strong.
 
Stewart White:
 Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
 
Contestant:
 Louis
 
Stewart White:
 Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
 
Contestant:
 Frank Sinatra?
 

 

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
 
Alex Trelinski:
 What is the capital of Italy ?
 
Contestant:
 France.
 
Trelinski:
 France is another country. Try again.
 
Contestant:
 Oh, um, Benidorm.
 
Trelinski:
 Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
 
Contestant:
 Sorry, I don't know.
 
Trelinski:
 Just guess a country then.
 
Contestant:
 Paris.
 

 

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
 
Anne Robinson:
 Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
 
Contestant:
 The Conservative Party.
 

 

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
 
DJ Mark:
 For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
 
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
 I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
 

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
 
Bamber Gascoyne:
 What was Gandhi's first name?
 
Contestant:
 Goosey?
 

 

GWR FM ( Bristol )
 
Presenter:
 What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
 
Contestant:
 I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
 

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO ( MANCHESTER )
 
Phil:
 What's 11 squared?
 
Contestant:
 I don't know.
 
Phil:
 I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
 
Contestant:
 Is it five?
 

 

RICHARD AND JUDY
 
Richard:
 Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
 
Contestant:
 Forrest Gump.
 

 

RICHARD AND JUDY
 
Richard:
 On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
 
Contestant:
 Er. ... ..
 
Richard:
 He makes bread . . .
 
Contestant:
 Er .. .....
 
Richard:
 He makes cakes . . .
 
Contestant:
 Kipling Street?
 

 

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
 
Presenter:
 Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
 
Contestant:
 Barcelona.
 
Presenter:
 I was really after the name of a country.
 
Contestant:
 I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
 

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
 
Question:
 What is the world's largest continent?
 
Contestant:
 The Pacific.
 

 

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
 
Presenter:
 Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
 
Contestant:
 Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
 

 

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
 
Steve Le Fevre:
 What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
 
Contestant:
 Magna Carta?
 

 

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
 
James O'Brien:
 How many kings of England have been called Henry?
 
Contestant:
 Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?
 

 


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
 
Chris Searle:
 In which European country is Mount Etna ?
 
Caller:
 Japan.
 
Chris Searle:
 I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
 
Caller:
 Er ........ Mexico ?
 

 

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
 
Paul Wappat:
 How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
 
Contestant (long pause):
 Fourteen days.
 

 

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
 
Daryl Denham:
 In which country would you spend shekels?
 
Contestant:
 Holland?
 
Daryl Denham:
 Try the next letter of the alphabet.
 
Contestant:
 Iceland? Ireland ?
 
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
 It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
 
Contestant:
 No.
 

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
 
Phil Wood:
 What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
 
Contestant:
 Er... .... ..
 
Phil Wood:
 It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
 
Contestant:
 Blimey?
 
Phil Wood:
 Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
 
Contestant:
 (Silence)
 
Phil Wood:
 OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
 
Contestant:
 Walked?
 

 

THE VAULT
 
Melanie Sykes:
 What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
 
Contestant:
 Nostalgia.
 

 

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
 
Presenter:
 What religion was Guy Fawkes?
 
Contestant:
 Jewish.
 
Presenter:
 That's close enough.
 

 

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
 
Wright:
 Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
 
Contestant:
 Jesus.
 

 
 
 

Offline fredtubb

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Re: Thank God we've still got a Navy
« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2009, 07:59:13 PM »
They sound like perfect RAF Candidates lol

Offline whazammo

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Re: Thank God we've still got a Navy
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2009, 04:03:33 AM »
After Gary and "The brains of Britain" post, here is the American version of the same:

Travel Agents talking....

A client called inquiring about a package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me: "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."  Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."  Her response: Click.

A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles.  She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find.  I finally had her fax the list.  To my surprise it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana, which has the postal code LA.  She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A.  Worst of all, when I called her back, she wasn't even embarrassed.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I explained that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.  He replied, "Don't lie to me.  I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"  I said, "No."  He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one hour lay-over in Dallas.  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called.  She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 AM and got into Chicago at 8:33 AM.  I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.  Finally I told her the plane went very fast and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"  I said, "No, why do you ask?"  She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT and I'm overweight.  Is there any connection?"  After putting her on hold for a minute, while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"  I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes."  I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.  She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.  "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."  I double checked the requirements and, sure enough, his stay required a visa.  When I told him this, he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words.  Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"  "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.  After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."  The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly.  Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!"  The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"  "That's it!  I knew it was a big animal!"

I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut.  When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted, "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"

Offline Gary

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Re: Thank God we've still got a Navy
« Reply #3 on: November 23, 2009, 09:19:49 AM »
Hi All
Just got back from my hols afterattending the Rememberance day March past at the Cenotaph with the HMS St Vincent Association and Ganges rabble (only joking Stan Dave )
We will be postig some footage on You tube taken on the day and I will give you the nod when it's on there.

Carrying on with this thread regarding question/answers from the public at large here are a few more to keep it going

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in
Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)


Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on 

A. If you are buying
a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections 

A. Very  important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
...................................(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty 

A. He says goodbye to  his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery ............. (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes 

A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
.............................

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen) 

 A.The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
A,E,I,O and U
............................................................
............................(What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control 

A. Most people prevent  contraception by wearing a condominium ................(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor
.........................................................(Julius   Seizure, I   came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport
......................................(Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature 

 A.  Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning 

 A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face
.......................(OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

 
Yours Aye
Gary

Offline stokerstan

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Re: Thank God we've still got a Navy
« Reply #4 on: November 23, 2009, 04:11:18 PM »
   
   Gary, those are terrible !! and I watched the march past and heard no mention of you lot, but if your marching is as bad as the jokes I bet they sent you passed after it went dark!

   However, glad to see you got back in one piece, and are back on line. Have you retired yet ? let me have your new Email if its changed.
  ps I never went to Ganges straight to Raleigh for me, (its where they taught us to do the joined up writing).  ;)

Offline Dave

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Re: Thank God we've still got a Navy
« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2009, 09:23:58 PM »


   You both missed out   :)

Offline Gary

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Re: Thank God we've still got a Navy
« Reply #6 on: November 24, 2009, 09:06:46 AM »
There's no pleasing this Stoker Stan is there?
If you think that lot was bad have a look at the latest cracker from my ditty bag.
By the way I have changed my e mail address on my profile so Stan you can send me personal apologies on it from now on.
Finally been made redundant and looking to start a new venture in the new year as I can't sit on my fat A**e and vegitate just yet.
Gave a lot of thought to become a writer of JOKES but my confidence has been shattered by adverse reactions from the engine room crew. Funny that, I always thought you needed a sense of humour to work in a noisy, dirty smelly enviroment. All I can remember about the stokies I met on the Vic was most of them appeared to be comedians as their favourite saying was
IF YOU CAN'T TAKE A JOKE YOU SHOULD'NT HAVE JOINED
Yours Aye
Gary

Offline stokerstan

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Re: Thank God we've still got a Navy
« Reply #7 on: November 25, 2009, 09:37:53 PM »


    Gary , I apologies mate ! the dying priest joke was good. ! ;D

         Talk to you soon.